I just had a very interesting experience at the aptly name “Dirty Dog” car wash. I didn’t plan to actually wash my car, as ominous clouds loomed in the distance, but merely to use their vacuum, because the mechanics who worked on my car seem to have gotten quite a bit of dust and dirt in it. The first thing I noticed when I drove up was that there were hundreds of birds all around. The irony of this struck me immediately, but it became even more interesting when I saw the giant vat of birdseed in the middle of the car wash grounds. How insidious!

It reminds me of a Three Investigators story I read as a child where the workers at a local glass shop went around the neighborhood breaking windows to create business for them (and hurting the economy), but of course Jupiter and his cohorts found them out and all was well again.

This however, took the ploy to new lows, using unsuspecting birds as the innocent agents to soil the neighborhood’s cars. Perhaps if the owner of the car wash (I’ve met her several times before) had been doing this from her backyard it could have been justified as a personal preference for birds, but it seems a tad obvious to feed hundreds of birds at the car wash. You’d think this would have a negative effect on the business since it increases the chances of someone getting ‘bombed’ right as the exit the wash itself, hardly a pleasant experience. It would be more interesting if the plan (if there is one) is actually backfiring, and causing the birds to stay more in the commercial area where the car wash is located as opposed to the surrounding neighborhoods.

Whatever the outcome, I proceded to spend a handful of quarters meticulously vacuuming very nook and cranny of my car. After I finished I started looking at all the car things the wash offered to add that extra sheen to my newly cleaned car. What caught my eye was the “New Car Smell” fragrence dispenser they had right by the vacuum. After the bird episode I appreciated the irony of putting this in my car, as those who know me will attest I have what I like to call a “mid–eighties Mercedes.”. The instructions said to apply it to the carpets and under the seat, so I stuck the dispenser under one of my seats and put the quarters into the machine. It started dispensing a mist of fragrence from the head. As I went to it to start spreading it around, I was almost knocked back by the stench it was spewing. I was expecting new car smell; I got old gym stench. As fast as I could I removed the apparatus from my car, but I could see from the glistening that it had already gotten all around the driver side of the car. I guess you get what you pay for! Excuse me, I have to go loop 610 with my windows down . . .

Update: It seems to have been as ineffective as it was unpleasant, and thankfully now I can detect no traces of the smell anywhere in my car. Whew!