Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors:

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”

“Sure,” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”

There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn’t see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, “Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there.” One of the other guys says, “Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there.” Then the last guy says, “Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there.” Then one of the nuns turns around and says, “Why don’t you go to hell — there are no Catholics there!”

If you’re offended get over it ;). It’s “Funny Friday” on PhotoMatt, so stay tuned. Hat tip: Mom.

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap’n Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ‘smart’ cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun they had in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

That is the funniest thing I have read in my life. Hat tip: Mike.

It’s not often you find a gem like this on a fairly reputable website, but they have a quite humorous answer to the question Our office parties can get a bit out of hand when people start playing pranks. Will our photocopier support anyone’s weight? Here’s a taste of it:

If the office Christmas Party goes really traditional and you end up making ‘cheeky’ photocopies, you won’t be exposed to toner or harmful light for long enough to hurt you, but you may well find yourself spending the rest of the evening face down in casualty, having shards of glass removed from your bottom. This is a surprisingly common occurrence, as photocopiers simply aren’t designed to be robust enough to take any kind of weight, even if yours has managed to withstand a lot of rough treatment and kicks all year.

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were . . . marooned.

Just when you thought you were safe, they’re back . . . with a vengeance.

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the
desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the
lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very
seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it
because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move
closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was
heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he
could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss
the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder
ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to
conclude that is was better Nate than lever.

RIAA Wants Background Checks on CD-RW Buyers

“I was alarmed when I heard that children had the ability to burn CDs right on their computers,” said Senator Strom Thurmond, “We’ve tried to educate parents on the dangers of children playing with fire, and now these death merchants sell them that ability in a shiny metal box.” Other Senators voiced their concerns about the possible violations of privacy in the proposed legislation, but since it was called the Copyright Patriotism Act they are unable to oppose it.

In the 1900s an English town had fallen on really hard times. For decades its primary industry had been its textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high. Desperate, the town’s mayor looked frantically around for other industries to invigorate the economy. He found that there was a man in Germany who was looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting-dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals and was willing to unload it for a fraction of its value so he could retire with his new wife. The mayor used his influence to have all the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed and the town prospered! Everyone was happy, even though, sometimes—especially on the nights with a full moon—the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake. They just sighed and said, “The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich.”

Well, everyone’s doing it. Here we go, Matt is . . .

• . . . it worth it?
• . . . a critic, hear me roar, or snore!
• . . . taking the extra
• . . . currently married to the love of his life
• . . . new Colts coach
• . . . so cute
• . . . a sad but amusing old drunk
• . . . way better than chocolate
• . . . a lil gerbil ish
• . . . yummy
• . . . a clown
• . . . great!!!
• . . . me name
• . . . a babe

So there you go. If you’re really cool you can put your full name in there, but alas that did nothing for me. I might try “Matthew” later to see how Matts and Matthews compare.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”