In the 1900s an English town had fallen on really hard times. For decades its primary industry had been its textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high. Desperate, the town’s mayor looked frantically around for other industries to invigorate the economy. He found that there was a man in Germany who was looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting-dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals and was willing to unload it for a fraction of its value so he could retire with his new wife. The mayor used his influence to have all the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed and the town prospered! Everyone was happy, even though, sometimes—especially on the nights with a full moon—the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake. They just sighed and said, “The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich.”

Well, everyone’s doing it. Here we go, Matt is . . .

• . . . it worth it?
• . . . a critic, hear me roar, or snore!
• . . . taking the extra
• . . . currently married to the love of his life
• . . . new Colts coach
• . . . so cute
• . . . a sad but amusing old drunk
• . . . way better than chocolate
• . . . a lil gerbil ish
• . . . yummy
• . . . a clown
• . . . great!!!
• . . . me name
• . . . a babe

So there you go. If you’re really cool you can put your full name in there, but alas that did nothing for me. I might try “Matthew” later to see how Matts and Matthews compare.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Especially with other stuff

An oldie but a goodie

These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley. After a long, long trek. They come to a bar. “Boy, this is just in time…I can’t go any farther.” So he walks into the bar and orders a drink. “Can’t you read the sign there? We don’t serve no strings here” bellows the bartender. “But I’m going to die of thirst!” protests the string. With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street. One of his buddies says “I’ll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink.” So, in he goes. “Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don’t serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!” So he quickly retreats out the door. Finally the last string says “Hey, I’ve got an idea…I’ll tie myself up like a pretzel, and frizzle out my ends, so he won’t recognize me.” So in he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender eyes him a little susspiciously. “Hey, aren’t you one of those strings I told to get out of here?” To which the string answered “No, I’m a frayed knot.”