Just when you thought you were safe, they’re back . . . with a vengeance.

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the
desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the
lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very
seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it
because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move
closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was
heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he
could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss
the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder
ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to
conclude that is was better Nate than lever.

RIAA Wants Background Checks on CD-RW Buyers

“I was alarmed when I heard that children had the ability to burn CDs right on their computers,” said Senator Strom Thurmond, “We’ve tried to educate parents on the dangers of children playing with fire, and now these death merchants sell them that ability in a shiny metal box.” Other Senators voiced their concerns about the possible violations of privacy in the proposed legislation, but since it was called the Copyright Patriotism Act they are unable to oppose it.

In the 1900s an English town had fallen on really hard times. For decades its primary industry had been its textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high. Desperate, the town’s mayor looked frantically around for other industries to invigorate the economy. He found that there was a man in Germany who was looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting-dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals and was willing to unload it for a fraction of its value so he could retire with his new wife. The mayor used his influence to have all the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed and the town prospered! Everyone was happy, even though, sometimes—especially on the nights with a full moon—the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake. They just sighed and said, “The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich.”

Well, everyone’s doing it. Here we go, Matt is . . .

• . . . it worth it?
• . . . a critic, hear me roar, or snore!
• . . . taking the extra
• . . . currently married to the love of his life
• . . . new Colts coach
• . . . so cute
• . . . a sad but amusing old drunk
• . . . way better than chocolate
• . . . a lil gerbil ish
• . . . yummy
• . . . a clown
• . . . great!!!
• . . . me name
• . . . a babe

So there you go. If you’re really cool you can put your full name in there, but alas that did nothing for me. I might try “Matthew” later to see how Matts and Matthews compare.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Never put chenille in the washer. Especially with other stuff

An oldie but a goodie

These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley. After a long, long trek. They come to a bar. “Boy, this is just in time…I can’t go any farther.” So he walks into the bar and orders a drink. “Can’t you read the sign there? We don’t serve no strings here” bellows the bartender. “But I’m going to die of thirst!” protests the string. With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street. One of his buddies says “I’ll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink.” So, in he goes. “Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don’t serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!” So he quickly retreats out the door. Finally the last string says “Hey, I’ve got an idea…I’ll tie myself up like a pretzel, and frizzle out my ends, so he won’t recognize me.” So in he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender eyes him a little susspiciously. “Hey, aren’t you one of those strings I told to get out of here?” To which the string answered “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial. However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king’s palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn’t sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding. However, the king’s loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day. The moral of the story? Warning: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem. Soon, the king’s tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king. Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the roopes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him. The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”

More updates when things slow down . . .

These two potatoes get married, and have a new potato. The new potato grows up, goes to college comes home and announces “I’m getting married!”
Momma potato says, “that’s wonderful, honey! Who’s the lucky boy?” The new potato replies, “I’m marrying Dan Rather!”
The father almost blows a gasket. “By God, No! You are not marrying Dan Rather!!!”
The new potato bursts out crying, and says “Why not??”
Papa potato says…………. “because he’s a common ’tater”

Today’s groan courtesy of Kelly Dean.

This lovely gem comes from Easy CD Creator 5 Platinum, and shows when you’re erasing a CD-RW

The remaining time listed is only an approximation. Some erases may take up to 10 minutes longer than what appears on the progress bar.

Update: Okay, I’ve decided this actually not the best dialog box ever even though it struck me as quite funny at the time, and anything will have a very hard time beating this message I got earlier this year.

What kind of sick musician would play a b-sharp? It’s just not natural.

There was once this guy who posted ten different puns to his blog with the hope that at least one of the puns would make people laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close; they ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

The pun of the day is the domain name of this site. Think about it. 🙂

I would like to take this opportunity to recognize some of the wonderful visitors to this site. While I love you all, sometimes I get the most amusement out of people who come here from search engines. Since I don’t actually know who these net travelers are, here’s an open letter. Warning: some of these searches are a little off-color, so be careful which ones you click on. As of this posting though I’m either in the top ten results or on the page I link to.

To why does my optical mouse move by itself? — You’re obviously having issues beyond what my simple review can address, so I would recommend seeking the assistance of a professional. When you find out what’s causing it, let me know, because I’m as curious now as you are. Is there any event that coincided with this newfound movement?

To sexy photos josh lucas, josh lucas pic, and the other Josh Lucas searches — Stop bothering me! Though I must admit my friends Lucas and Josh, whose pictures these people see when they click on my site from this search, get a kick out of it. (Josh Lucas is some sort of actor.) Good thing I don’t have any friends named Britney.

To kayak naked — Whatever floats your boat. In a matter of speaking.

To sexy photo google — I found these pictures of the Google people, but I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for.

To “best buy” extended warranty opinion laptop — I had good experience taking my laptop back, but just don’t try it with a camera.

To enron women nude — Get a life! You’re on the twelfth page of results! No one looks that far!

To matt sony — Sony has me in a death vise; I love their products and I can’t stop. Run, while you still can.

To “apple sticker” — Okay this one is a trick because I do know who this is, because she sent me an email. It’s Leander Kahney, a writer for Wired, who’s working on a book called “Cult of Mac”. The picture she found (on the tenth page!) is going to be in the book as part of a chapter on Apple stickers. Pretty cool, huh?

To meaning of clie — Communications, Link, Information, and Entertainment. Your guess is as good as mine as to where the accent came from in Sony Clié.

To first day of school i was nervous about the first day because…….however i soon realized…… — I like someone who knows what they’re looking for.

To ihatelongdomainnames (German?) — Me too.

To movie quote ahhh the lowercase a — I have no idea what this means.

To adjusting toshiba laptop screen brightness — On my old 5005 There was a function key, and if you pressed that and one of the function keys at the top of your keyboard. Two of the function keys had little suns on them, and those were the ones you could adjust the brightness of your screen with. Also cranking the brightness down really lets you ink every bit of battery life out of it.

Okay, I think that’s enough vanity surfing for the day!

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is called “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”