Category Archives: Humor

Just A Punchline

“Then the designer said, ‘Don’t hate the flyer, hate the plane.'”

Who can think of the joke that goes with this? Extra points for making something crazy up.

Dew You?

Mountain Dew in the morning
Mountain Dew at night
keeps Matthew healthy and bright.

Mountain don’t you take it away
or you’ll give me a fright.

Lucky Bear

Why Josh is the coolest ever:

So in my normal browsing I occassionally come across things that are humorous and I share with whoever I’m chatting with at the time. Via Ad Rag I came across this picture that I accompanied with the commentary “lucky bear.”

Snuggles bear sitting on a boat with a pretty model

Fifteen minutes later Josh comes back with this:

Snuggles bear with my face on top of it sitting with pretty model

However contrary to popular opinion that is not where I’ve been the past few days. That’s a whole other story.

CSS: The Gathering

So the other day I was over at Josh’s house helping him out with some CSS for his new site, fatalifswallowed.com. Now I know what you’re thinking, what’s an “alif,” why is it overweight, and why are they wallowing around? I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. Maybe there will be answers on the site, so you should go check it out.

Anyway, as a bit of friviolity to start your week with, here is the official Matthew Charles Mullenweg Magic the Gathering card, available in limited quantities only. What really cool is he did it so it’s on actual Magic card paper, and there are also a lot of nice details. Go Josh.

The Matthew Mullenweg Magic Card

For those wondering, it’s a black card because apparently deep down I’m evil. That is all.

Waiting For Fries to Catch Up

As I write this I am eating “Cool Guacamole” chips. Yes, chips flavored with guacamole. This is not the first time I’ve encountered this, as I had some tostada chips that were almost just like this before. Does anyone else find this trend of rolling common condiments into what they’re used with disturbing? Before we know it we’ll have ketchup-flavored French freedom fries, milk-flavored cookies, and, God forbid, pre-mixed peanut butter and jelly. Oh wait…

Peaks and Valleys and Belly-Buttons

I don’t usually like to discuss traffic, but here goes. Over the relatively short history of this website there have been a number of peaks in the traffic here, usually coinciding with some particular event. The first big surge came with the MTCurly plug-in, which is now really starting to show its age. However a single link from Todd Dominey had the counters rolling. Then there was quiet in the land, and I slowly but surely built up a readership of people searching for “enron women nude” and other interesting things. And then of course there’s Tantek, Christine, Jeffrey, Kathy, and Rannie.

Then came my pilgrimage to South by Southwest, and as a result of meeting people and posting summaries of the sessions, my hits rose predictably. At least until this picture showed up in Kottke’s link blog and had my head spinning and the counter rolling.

More recently, two incidents have made me rethink my entire approach to blogging. First my blog was invaded by the French. I’m not kidding. If anyone can tell me what this means I would greatly appreciate it, because all I know is it links to a photo of the lovely Sarah C. with one of my keys. Since then a number of comments have been left on various pictures of Sarah that say things like “Sensualité.” Speculation has run wild, especially since no one I know can get a good translation of the text, but the general consensus is that Sarah is secretly some sort of underground “entertainment” star in France and her rabid fans somehow stumbled across this site.

But today was the day that broke all the rules. I was expecting a bit of traffic from the new stuff but it came instead from a surprising source. Yes, I’ve been Barlowed.

Anyway, this is all tangential to what I’ve been trying to say the entire time, my new revelation. The whole writing thing has been done. People don’t need another interesting website, they’ve got so many of those they line them up like cattle in aggregators and extract their content in such a manner as to get through as many as possible. What the world is really thirsting for is web celebrity paparazzi. You want scandalous pictures of the web personalities you know and love, and I want to give them to you. We can have the exposé pictures, something like Tantek using Safari; the scandal photos, which could involve pretty much any situation with a certain blonde SxSW panelist; and finally the relationship tracker, where to start, there are tons of these going around.

I see untold dozens of dollars waiting to be tapped in this nascent market. Obviously this is too large a task for me alone, so any help would be greatly appreciated. I’m also curious to hear some thoughts on this. How long before we see Josh Davis while standing in line at the supermarket?

Just An Arm?

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day:

Saddam’s doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam’s doubles.

“Men, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. The good news is Saddam is still alive. The bad news is he lost an arm.”

The Anti-Photobloggies!

I guess the cat is out of the bag now. In the fine tradition of all the other blog awards out there, I am proud to announce the Anti-Photobloggies, the world’s coolest photoblog awards. What’s going to be neat about it (I think) is that in addition to sites, individual photos can win awards. So go check it out and spread the word.

Axis of… What?

Got this from my darling sister, enjoy:

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil”, Libya,China and Syria today announced that they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil”, which they said would be more evil than the Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils . . . best at being evil.. . we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al- Assad. “An axis can’t have more than three counties”, explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool.”

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the “Axis of Somewhat Evil”, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the “Axis of Occasionally Evil”, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the “Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable”.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the “Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics”.

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the “Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America”, while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the “Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick”. “That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do”, said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the “Axis of Countries Whose Names End in ‘Guay”, accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

Five Dollar Suits

A little Tuesday humor from Mike:

Bubba and Billy Ray are from Arkansas visiting a relative in Texas. Walking along Sam Houston Street, they see a sign which reads, “Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.”

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent,they might not serve us. I’ll speak in my best Texas drawl.”

They go in and Bubba says, “I’ll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and …..”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from Arkansas, aren’t you?”

“Oh, yes,” says a surprised Bubba. “How come you know that?”

The owner says, “This is a dry-cleaners.”

Just Wait For The XP Version

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors:

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”

“Sure,” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”

Nuns vs. Fans

There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn’t see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, “Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there.” One of the other guys says, “Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there.” Then the last guy says, “Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there.” Then one of the nuns turns around and says, “Why don’t you go to hell — there are no Catholics there!”

If you’re offended get over it ;). It’s “Funny Friday” on PhotoMatt, so stay tuned. Hat tip: Mom.

Sad News: Dough Boy

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap’n Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ‘smart’ cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun they had in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

That is the funniest thing I have read in my life. Hat tip: Mike.

Cheeky Photocopies

It’s not often you find a gem like this on a fairly reputable website, but they have a quite humorous answer to the question Our office parties can get a bit out of hand when people start playing pranks. Will our photocopier support anyone’s weight? Here’s a taste of it:

If the office Christmas Party goes really traditional and you end up making ‘cheeky’ photocopies, you won’t be exposed to toner or harmful light for long enough to hurt you, but you may well find yourself spending the rest of the evening face down in casualty, having shards of glass removed from your bottom. This is a surprisingly common occurrence, as photocopiers simply aren’t designed to be robust enough to take any kind of weight, even if yours has managed to withstand a lot of rough treatment and kicks all year.

Pun-A-Day #21

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were . . . marooned.